Everything to live for…

Everything to live for…

This post has nothing really to do with religion, but I just love that quote 🙂 

Since I (thought) I’d figured out who I was, I met an amazing man. I’m not exaggerating when I say, he is the man of my dreams. He’s everything I pictured when I was younger. I refused to settle – I was hassled constantly by family (thanks Nanny) – that I was going to end up alone if I didn’t settle down. Even that term lends itself to not really finding the perfect person – but choosing one who’s “close enough”. Bugger that. 

So, to cut a long story short, we will be hunting for a house together soon. He wants to get married, he wants to make me happy. There’s so many wonderful things on the horizon, and I feel like this addiction is blocking my view of it. At the moment, I’ve had 4 x 2 pills @ 5pm. About a third of what I would normally have popped by now. And that’s exciting, and positive – on one side. But on the other, they’re on my mind. Constantly. I can’t imagine my tomorrow – let alone my future. 

So this post is to remind me, further down the road, that I have some very exciting moments in front of me. I have a feeling I’m going to need it. But I’m determined – and I’m heading home. Slowly. 

 

Unconditional Love…

Unconditional Love…

Is something each and every one of us crave.  We all have a story to tell – whether it’s a traumatic childhood, a nasty break-up, a dead-end job, a tough day-to-day life.  And some people choose to deal with it by consuming large amounts of alcohol, or drugs.  Or they go to the Pokies.  Or gamble online in their room.  Or cheat, lie and steal.  Or if you’re really unlucky – a mixture of the above.

Fortunately for me I chased my first demon away when I was 28 – alcohol.  I went from having a couple of glasses of bubbles to have a good time and loosen up a little, to not being able to leave my room without at least half a bottle of (warm) wine.  Any kind by then.  I didn’t care.  It took my family flying to another state and drying me out for me to realise the why.  Now alcohol is not unconditional love – that’s not where I’m headed with this post.

But N+ is.  I should say, was.  I am still in that first phase of addiction treatment – I’ve acknowledged there’s a problem, but it’s still in my system.  I am still taking a few tablets – but it’s almost halved in less than 48 hours.  Nurofen Plus has been there for me through it all – the alcohol abuse, the devastating shame and guilt I felt after sobering up, the treatment and soul-searching, the re-building, etc.

It was like a crutch – from one addiction to another, some might say.  But what I’ve also realised is that it calmed me.  It became a constant – when I should have looked to my close family as the source of that unconditional love, it instead was the drug.  That’s taken me all this time to realise too.   The why.  There is always a why with every addiction.  It’s partly physical, but I believe, every addict has a big WHY they need to address before they can hit the road to recovery with any sort of strength or chance of success.  But I am here now.  Heading home slowly.